whoa, it's over. yes, i actually survived till the end of cts.
i hate the way how after every paper, i will stare into space on the way back home and keep going through the same paper again, blaming and hating myself for not having done this or that, or why i didn't thought of that extra thing to write.
aint that such a perfectionist freak that nobody can stand?
i don't remember myself being like that in the past, or at least not over a stupid examination. but perhaps that perfectionist trait has always been with me, like what ms low told me in my upper secondary years after looking at the portfolio that i've done.
ohwells. i've learnt quite a lot from this holiday.
i've learnt that last minute chionging will not work again like how it did for my past 17 years - A levels will be a discerning screening device to filter off tyco ppl like me who managed to scrape through all this while. yup, so it's obviously time to change my style of not doing tutorials/assignments and start bucking up!
and i realised that if one day i die, it will not be because of lack of sleep due to mugging, but because i killed myself with ridiculously high self-expectations. such an attitude has led to unhealthy symptoms like picking on every single mistake i made, and feeling inadequate about my abilities.
the two sides in me are constantly struggling. one says that i have depended on luck all this while in academics and now that luck is not on my side anymore, i should not fantasize that i can still maintain my results. the other side keeps striving and despite admitting that i have been lucky all this while, wants me to believe that if i do work hard, it's definitely possible for me to reach higher levels based on my own abilities.
yes, i am a perfectionist. but i am not perfect. so should i quit being a perfectionist or strive to be more perfect?
i think the latter is easier.